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Alice in Wonderland 
A PLAY 



ALICE 

IN WONDERLAND 

COMPILED FROM LEWIS CARROLL'S STORIES 

Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking^ Glass, and 
What Alice Found There 

BY 

Emily Prime Delafield 



Originally presented, for tlie benefit of The Society of 
Decorative Art. at The Waldorf. New York. March 
thirteenth, 1897, and now for the first time printed 



^ 1^ 



NEW YORK 
DODD, MEAD 6 COMPANY 

1898 



Copyright, 1898, byDodd. Mcad^6 Company 






JL7750 



THE RIGHT to ghe professional or amateur performances of this 
play is vested in Mrs, Lewis L. Delafield, Riterdale-on-Hudson, New 
York City, and those desiring to produce this piece must obtain in all 
cases permission to do so from her. 



0CTg71«98 



) 



BW)0()Hi.:rir:CEIVED^ 



2ncl CnT^Y, 



1898. 



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{{u^v.nOeH^ W 



c^. PREFACE 

IT MA Y be interesting to lovers of 
^^ Alice in Wonderland"" and^^ Through 
the Looking Glass'' to know how the 
thought of compiling a play from those 
stories suggested itself to me. In i8go^ 
while visiting Japan^ I was invited to 
attend a performance^ by children^ of 
scenes from the former book. I went re- 
ludantly, fearing a travesty on familiar 
characters. I came away delighted with 
the entertainment^ and feeling that until 
then I had only half under stood the clever- 
ness of the book. There were but few Eng- 
lish children in Yokohama who could be 
called upon to ady and the preparations 
were necessarily very crude. When^ 
therefore^ I was ask&d to suggest some- 
thing new to be given for the benefit of 
the Society of Decorative Arty on the 
anniversary of the opening of the Wal- 



Tt PREFACE 

dorf^ March /^, iSgy^ I determined to 
compile this play. As the work went on I 
found that it would add much to the dra- 
matic effed if I took scenes from both 
^^ Alice in Wonderland'' and ^' Through 
the Looking Glass^'' and while appreci- 
ating fully the difficulty of my task^ I be- 
lieved that the interest aroused by seeing 
Alice herself and all the other familiar 
charaders in propria persona would more 
than atone for any shortcomings in my 
work. 

We formed our troupe of about sixty chil- 
dren^ varying in ages from four to twelve. 
The relative sizes for the different char- 
aders^ as well as the costumes^ we copied 
carefully from Tenniefs illustrations. 
These accompany all the different edi- 
tions of the books and can easily be ob- 
tained. The birds and animals were 
made of paper and paper-muslin andean- 
ton flannel^ which made excellent imita- 



PREFACE yii 

iions of feathers and skins. The Mouse 
was dressed in canton flannel and had a 
very long tail^ which was appropriate to its 
story. The heads of all the animals and 
birds were bought at a toy store for a 
very little money ^^ and were thin and 
light. The mouths which were closed we 
cut open J otherwise the voices would have 
been muffled. 

In Ad Ily where the Walrus and the Car- 
penter eat the oysters which were run in 
on wires ^ the oysters were painted with 
small human heads coming out of the shells 
which stood on end and hands thrown up 
as if protesting. 

The tea-party scene in Ad /F, where the 
Dormouse was turned head foremost by 
the March Hare and Hatter into a very 
large teapot, brought down the house. 
The dance in Ad VI ^ in which all the ani- 
mals take part who have entered after the 
song by the Mock Turtle^ was very pretty. 



vni 



PREFACE 



In the last ady instead of the curtain ris- 
ing after the royal party and court were 
seated^ we formed a procession of all the 
animals^ birds^ courtiers and attendants^ 
which entered after the curtain rose. 

They marched round the stage, all those 
not taking an adive part forming a group 
behind the chairs of the King and Queen. 

This brought on all the characters of the 
play and made a very effedive scene. 
For the resty we carried out the stage di- 
redions as given. These had been care- 
fully thought outy and have since on two 
occasions pradically proved to be good. 

We taught the children thoroughly their 
parts y and left to them the interpretation 
of the charadersy with^ we thought^ bet- 
ter results than if we had imposed our 
ideals upon them. But of course we chose 
our little troupe with care. The chil- 
dren thoroughly enjoyed the rehearsals ^ 
learned how to use their voices and to 



PREFACE 



IX 



enunciate distindly^ and showed the great- 
est cleverness in their ading. We had 
ever!/ reason to feel pleased at the in- 
terest shown by the audience in the play. 



Emily Prime Delafield. 



CHARA C TERS 


Alice 


Frog'Footman 


Queen 


Gryphon 


King 


Walrus 


Duchess 


Carpenter 


Knave 


Cheshire Cat 


Executioner 


Two of Spades 


Tweedledee 


Five of Spades 


Tweedledum 


Seven of Spades 


Humpty Dumpty Magpie 


Hatter 


Eagle 


Dormouse 


Duck 


March Hare 


Dodo 


White Rabbit 


Lory 


Caterpillar 


Jabberwock 


Mock Turtle 


Knight 


Fish-Footman 


Crocodile 




Mouse 




* 




Three Judges 


The. 


'^eerCs Four Children 




A Herald 


Jurors^ 


Ladies-in- Waiting^ ^c. 



ACTS 

ACT FIRST 

The Garden — Alice and the Animals — The 
Mouse* s Story 

ACT SECOND 

Tweedledum and Tweedledee — The Fish-Footman 
and Frog-Footman — The Cheshire Cat, 

ACT THIRD 

The Caterpillar and Alice — Humpty Dumpty — 
The Jabberwock Song. 

ACT FOURTH 

The Tea Party — March Hare — Hatter — Dor- 
mouse, 

ACT FIFTH 

The ^eens Croquet Party — Procession, 

ACT SIXTH 

The Gryphon and Mock Turtle — The Lobster 
S^uadrille, 

ACT SEVENTH 

The Trial. 

f 

Who cares for you ? You 're nothing hut a pack of 
cards. «.. 



ALICE 

IN WONDERLAND 

ACT I 

A GARDEN Scene. Flowers and wall be- 
hind^ and hedge in distance through which 
there is a hole, Alice asleep under a tree. 
White Rabbit hurriedly enters^ splendidly dressed^ 
with fan and gloves in his hands. Large tree at 
left^ facing stage ^ in which is a slide where ^ later 
in the play,, the Cheshire Cat appears. 

WHITE RABBIT 

Oh dear ! Oh dear ! I shall be too late ! {Alice 
wakens; Rabbit looks at watch,'] Oh, my dear 
paws ! Oh, my fur and whiskers, how late it is 
getting: Oh, the Duchess, the Duchess! Won't 
she be savage if I have kept her waiting. She'll 
get me executed as sure as ferrets are ferrets. 

ALICE \in timid voice] 

If you please. Sir — [White Rabbit starts and 
drops fan and gloves^ which Alice picks up. Rab- 
bit disappears through a hole under the hedge seen in 
the distance and is followed by Alice. Alice comes 



2 A L I C E -I N [Act I 

back out of breath and throws herself down on the 
bank.'] Dear, dear! How queer everything is to- 
day! And yesterday things went on just as usual. 
I wonder if I Ve been changed in the night ? Let 
me think : Was I the same when I got up this 
morning? I almost think I can remember feel- 
ing a little different. But if I 'm not the same, 
the next question is, who in the world am 
I ? Ah, that 's the great puzzle ! [Sits down and 
thinks\ I wonder if I can remember all the 
things I used to know. Let me see : four times 
five is twelve, and four times six is thirteen, 
and four times seven is — oh dear ! I shall never 
get to twenty at that rate ! However, the Mul- 
tiplication Table don't signify : let 's try Geog- 
raphy. London is the capital of Paris, and Paris 
is the capital of Rome, and Rome — no, thafs 
all wrong, I 'm certain ! I '11 try and say " How 
doth the little" — \Crosses her hands on her lap 
and in a hoarse voice says .*] 

How doth the little crocodile 
Improve his shining tail, 
And pour the waters of the Nile 
On every golden scale. 

\Enter the Crocodile^ who dances before her and 
opens and shuts his mouth and spreads his claws^ 
while Alice recites the last verse ^ and backs grad- 
ually off the stage ^ 



Act I] WONDERLAND 3 

How cheerfully he seems to grin, 
How neatly spreads his claws, 
And welcomes little fishes in 
With gently smiling jaws! 

[^Enter the Mouse while Alice recites last verse^ 
runs in a great hurry across the stage appearing 
preoccupied and not noticing Alice ^ 

I 'm sure those are not the right words. \Sees the 
Mouse.] I wonder if I could speak to the Mouse; 
I suppose mice can talk — things are so queer 
down here. [Aloud, to Mouse,] Mouse, dear, will 
you tell me the way out of here ? [Mouse Jumps 
when Alice speaks to him, and runs out. Alice be- 
gins to cry. Splashing in the water is heard in the 
distance^ Why, it must be a walrus or hippo- 
potamus to make such a noise. [Mouse runs in 
again followed, in single file, by Duck, Dodo, Lory, 
and an Eaglet and other animals, all wet.] Dear 
me ! Here is Noah's ark. Mouse, dear, why 
are they all so wet ? 

MOUSE 

Ask these gentlemen. 

EAGLET 

Here we are so wet ; how are we to get dry ? 

MOUSE 

Sit down, all of you, and listen to me ! I '11 soon 
niake you dry enough. [All sit in a ring. Mouse 



4 A L I C E ' I N [Act I 

in centre,^ Ahem ! Are you all ready ? This is 
the driest thing I know. Silence all round. 
"William the Conqueror, whose cause was 
favoured by the pope, was soon submitted to 
by the English, who wanted leaders, and had 
been of late much accustomed to usurpation 
and conquest." 

LORY 

Ugh! 

MOUSE \_politely frowning\ 

I beg your pardon ! Did you speak ? 

LORY 
I? 

MOUSE 

I thought you did, — I proceed. "Edwin and 
Mercer, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria, 
declared for him ; and even Stigand, the patri- 
otic archbishop of Canterbury, found it advis- 
able" — 

DUCK 

Found what — 

MOUSE \cro5sly\ 

Found it; of course you know what "it" means. 

DUCK 

I know what "it" means well enough when I 
find anything ; it's generally a frog or a worm. 
The question is, what did the archbishop find ? 



Act I] WONDERLAND 5 

MOUSE 

Find? Found it advisable to do just what he 
wanted to. [T'urning to Alice.'\ How are you get- 
ting on ? 

A L I C E [/;/ <^ melancholy tone~\ 

You see they are just as wet as ever ; it doesn't 

seem to dry them at all. 

DODO 

I move the meeting adjourn for the adoption of 
energetic remedies. 

EAGLET 

Speak English. I don't know the meaning of 
half those long words and what's more I don't 
believe you do either. 

Bends down his head to hide a smile, 'The other 
birds titter audibly, 

DODO 

What I was going to say, was, that the best 
thing to get us dry would be a Caucus-race. 

ALICE 

What is a Caucus-race ? 
DODO 

The best way to explain it is to do it. Are you 
ready ? 

Music, Dodo marks out a course; all race and 
come out alike. All crowd around him and ask : 



6 A L I C E • I N [Act I 

ALL 

Who has won ? 

Dodo puts Jinger on his forehead^ in the position 
you usually see Shakespeare^ in the piBures of him. 

DODO 

Everybody has won, and all must have prizes. 

CHORUS 

But who is to give the prizes? 

DODO \_pointing at Alice'] 

Why, she^ of course. 

All crowd round Alice .,c ailing^ " Prizes ! Prizes ! " 
Alice pulls out box of candies^ and hands them 
round as prizes, 'There is exaSlly one apiece^ all 
round. 

MOUSE 

But she must have a prize herself. 

DODO 

Of course. [Tl? Alice?[ What else have you got 

in your pocket ? 

ALICE 

Only a thimble. 
DODO 

Hand it over here. \All crowd round Alice, 
Dodo solemnly presents the thimble to Alice ^ say- 
ing i^ I beg your acceptance of this elegant 
thimble. 



Act I] WONDERLAND 7 

All cheer. Mouse begins to run away. Alice calls 
him back, 

ALICE 

Mouse ! Mouse ! You promised to tell me your 
history. \Mouse does not return^ 

ALL ^^persuasively^ 

Do please come back and tell us a story. 

ALICE 

I wish I had Dinah here. She'd soon fetch it 

back. 

ALL 

Who is Dinah ? 

ALICE 

Dinah's our cat. And she's such a capital one 
for catching mice. And, oh, I wish you could 
see her after the birds ! Why, she'll eat a little 
bird as soon as look at it ! 

T'his speech causes a remarkable sensation among 
the party. Some of the birds hurry off at once ; one 
old Magpie begins wrapping itself up 'very care- 
fully^ remarking: 

MAGPIE 

I really must be getting home : the night-air 
does n't suit my throat. Come away, my dears ! 
It's high time you were all in bed. 
On various pretexts they all move off^ and Alice 
is soon left alone. 



8 A L I C E • I N [Act I 

ALICE SJialf crying] 

I wish I hadn't mentioned Dinah! Nobody- 
seems to Hke her down here. Mouse, dear, do 
come back, I won't talk of Dinah any more. 
Begins to cry. Mouse returns^ followed by all the 
birds, 

MOUSE 

Mine is a long, sad tale. 

ALICE [looking at Mouse's tail"] 

It 's a very long one, but why a sad one ? 

MOUSE 

Here is my story : 

Fury said to 
a mouse. That 
he met 
in the 
house, 

" Let us 
both go 
to law : 
I will 
prosecute 
you, — 

Come, I'll 
take no 
denial ; 
We must 



Act I] WONDERLAND 

have a 
trial : 

For 
really 
this 

morning 

I've 
nothing 
to do." 
Said the 
mouse to 
the cur, 
"Such a 

trial, 
dear sir. 
With no 
jury or 
judge 

would be 
wasting 

our breath." 
"Til be 
judge, 

rube 

jury," 
Said 

cunning 
old Fury : 
"I'll try 



10 A L I C E . I N [Act I 

the whole 
cause, 
and 
condemn 
you 
to 

death." 

They all go off the stage^ two and two^ keeping 
time with their index fingers pointed^ while saying 
from "111 try the whole cause." Alice watches 
them. 



Curtain falh. 



ACT II 

DR OP sce/ie in back of the stage. Sea with sand 
beach and rocks to left on stage, T'weedledum 
and T^weedledee sidle in under a tree with 
their arms round each other s neck^ and Alice knows 
which is which ^ because one has "JDZTM" em- 
broidered on his collar^ and the other ''''DEE" 

ALICE [examining them'] 

I suppose they have "TWEEDLE" on the 
back of their collar. 

Tweedledee and "Tweedledum stand very stilly when 
Alice is startled by hearing a voice coming from the 
one marked " DUMy 

TWEEDLEDUM 

If you think we're wax-works, you ought to 
pay, you know. Wax-works weren't made to be 
looked at for nothing. Nohow ! 

TWEEDLEDEE 

Contrariwise, if you think we're alive, you 
ought to speak. 

ALICE [apologetically] 

I 'm sure I 'm very sorry. [Aside,] I cannot help 
thinking of the old song : 



12 A L I C E • I N [Act II 

"Tweedledum and Tweedledee 
Agreed to have a battle ; 
For Tweedledum said Tweedledee 
Had spoiled his nice new rattle. 

Just then flew down a monstrous crow, 
As black as a tar-barrel ; 
Which frightened both the heroes so, 
They quite forgot their quarrel." 

TWEEDLEDU M 

I know what you're thinking about, but it 
isn't so, nohow. 

TWEEDLEDEE 

Contrariwise, if it was so, it might be ; and if 
it were so, it would be ; but as it isn't, it ain't. 
That's logic. 

ALICE 

I was thinking, which is the best way out of 
this wood; it's getting so dark. Would you 
tell me, please ? \T^weedledum and T^weedledee look 
at one another and grin, Alice points her Jinger at 
'Tweedledum?^ First Boy ! 

TWEEDLEDUM \briskly\ 

Nohow ! 

Shuts his mouth with a snap. 



Act II] WONDERLAND 13 

ALICE \j)oints at Tweedledee^ 
Next Boy ! 

TWEEDLEDEE 

Contrariwise ! 

TWEEDLEDUM \jointing at Alice\ 

You Ve begun wrong ! The first thing in a visit 
is to say "How d'ye do?'' and shake hands. 
\IIere the two brothers give each other a hug and 
then they hold out the two hands that are free ^ to 
shake hands with Alice ^ who takes hold of both 
hands at once. All dance round in a ring; music 
plays: '''-Here we go round the Mulberry bush'^ 
I' hey suddenly leave off dancing. Music stops; they 
let go Alice's hands and stand looking at her very 
hard, Tweedledu?n pants^ out of breath^ Four 
times round is enough for one dance, 

ALICE 

I hope you're not much tired. 

TWEEDLEDUM 

Nohow. And thank you very much for asking. 

TWEEDLEDEE 

So much obliged. Do you like poetry ? 

ALICE 

Yes ! Some poetry. 



14 A L I C E • I N [Act II 

TWEEDLEDUM 

Repeat to her "The Walrus and the Carpen- 
ter," that's the longest. 

Gives his brother an affeSlionate hug, 

TWEEDLEDEE 

Let's each read her a verse by turns. 

Here Alice interrupts, 

ALICE \douhtfully\ 

If it 's very long, would you please tell me first 
which road — 

T'weedledee and T'weedledum only smile and con- 
tinue without stopping, Enter the Walrus and the 
Carpenter^ who walk slowly round and round. 
Carpenter has a large basket on his arm in which 
are a loaf of breads pepper pot^ salt pot and a 
number of oyster shells^ off of which later they are 
supposed to eat the oysters. While the poem is re- 
cited^ oysters painted^ of different sixes ^ are run in 
on a wire across sea and pass out behind rocks ^ 
after all being massed on the stage. Four come in 
at verse vi, four more at verse viii, four more at 
first line of verse ix and then four and eight and 
eight all during verse ix. T!hey are massed on stage 
and do not go off until part leave at last two lines 
of verse xvii and then all the rest at verse xviii/ 



Act II] WONDERLAND 15 

TWEEDLEDUM 

I 

The sun was shining on the sea. 
Shining with all his might ; 
He did his very best to make 
The billows smooth and bright — 
And this was odd, because it was 
The middle of the night. 

TWEEDLEDEE 

n 
The moon was shining sulkily. 
Because she thought the sun 
Had got no business to be there 
After the day was done — 
"It's very rude of him," she said, 
"To come and spoil the fun." 

TWEEDLEDUM 

HI 

The sea was wet as wet could be. 

The sands were dry as dry. 

You could not see a cloud, because 

No cloud was in the sky"; 

No birds were flying overhead — 

There were no birds to fly. 

TWEEDLEDEE 

IV 

The Walrus and the Carpenter 
Were walking close at hand ; 



i6 A L I C E • I N [Act II 

They wept like anything to see 
Such quantities of sand ; 
" If this were only cleared away," 
They said, "it would be grand/' 

TWEEDLEDUM 

V 

" If seven maidens with seven mops 
Swept it for half a year. 
Do you suppose," the Walrus said, 
" That they could get it clear ? " 
" I doubt it," said the Carpenter, 
And shed a bitter tear. 

TWEEDLEDEE 

VI 

"O Oysters, come and walk with us," J,!r:f "" 

The Walrus did beseech. 

" A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk. 

Along the briny beach ; 

We cannot do with more than four, 

To give a hand to each." 

TWEEDLEDUM 

VII 

The eldest Oyster looked at him. 
But never a word he said ; 
The eldest Oyster winked his eye. 
And shook his heavy head — 
Meaning to say he did not choose 
To leave the oyster-bed. 



Act II] WONDERLAND 17 

TWEEDLEDEE 

VIII 

But four young Oysters hurried up, lEmerfouropters.^i 

All eager for the treat ; 

Their coats were brushed, their faces washed, 

Their shoes were clean and neat — 

And this was odd, because, you know, 

They hadn't any feet. 

TWEEDLEDUM 

IX 

Four other Oysters followed them, iEnterfouroysiers.:i 
And yet another four; lEnter/ourmore.-i 

And thick and fast they came at last, lEnter dght.^i 
And more, and more, and more — [£«<.r«^Ar.] 

All hopping through the frothy waves. 
And scrambling to the shore. 

TWEEDLEDEE 

X 

The Walrus and the Carpenter 

Walked on a mile or so, 

And then they rested on a rock 

Conveniently low ; 

And all the little Oysters stood 

And waited in a row. 

Walrus and Carpenter sit down, 

TWEEDLEDUM 

XI 

"The time has come,'' the Walrus said, 
"To talk of many things; 



x8 A L I C E • I N [Act 11 

Of shoes — and ships — and sealing wax — 
Of cabbages — and kings — 
And why the sea is boiling hot — 
And whether pigs have wings." 

TWEEDLEDEE 

XII 

"But wait a bit," the Oysters cried, 

" Before we have our chat ; 

For some of us are out of breath. 

And all of us are fat ! " 

" No hurry ! " said the Carpenter. 

They thanked him much for that. 

TWEEDLEDUM 

XIII 

"A loaf of bread," the Walrus said, 

" Is what we chiefly need ; 

Pepper and vinegar besides 

Are very good indeed — 

Now if you're ready, Oysters dear. 

We can begin to feed." 

Carpenter hands Walrus loaf of bread and shows 
him one immense pepper pot and one salt pot; the 
last two are stood in the rocks between them. Wal- 
rus cuts off slice of bread, 

TWEEDLEDEE 

XIV 

" But not on us ! " the Oysters cried. 
Turning a little blue. 



Act II] WONDERLAND 19 

"After such kindness, that would be 
A dismal thing to do ! " 
"The night is fine," the Walrus said. 
" Do you admire the view ? 

TWEEDLEDUM 

XV 

" It was so kind of you to come ! 

And you are very nice ! " 

The Carpenter said nothing but 

" Cut us another slice ; 

I wish you were not quite so deaf — 

I Ve had to ask you twice ! " 

TWEEDLEDEE 

XVI 

" It seems a shame," the Walrus said, 
"To play them such a trick. 
After weVe brought them out so far. 
And made them trot so quick ! " 
The Carpenter said nothing but 
" The butter 's spread too thick ! " 

TWEEDLEDUM 

XVII 

" I weep for you," the Walrus said ; 

"I deeply sympathize," 

With sobs and tears he sorted out 

Those of the largest size, iExit^omeopters.-\ 

Holding his pocket-handkerchief 

Before his streaming eyes. 



20 A L I C E 'I N [Act II 

TWEEDLEDEE 



XVIII 



O Oysters," said the Carpenter, [exu aii the opter,.-] 
"You've had a pleasant run ! 
Shall we be trotting home again ? " 
But answer came there none — 
And this was scarcely odd, because 
They'd eaten every one. 

ALICE 

I like the Walrus best, because he was a little 
sorry for the poor oysters. 

TWEEDLEDEE 

He ate more than the Carpenter, though. You 
see he held his handkerchief in front, so that 
the Carpenter couldn't count how many he 
took. 

ALICE 

That was mean ! Then I like the Carpenter 
best. 

TWEEDLEDEE 

But he ate as many as he could get. 

ALICE 

Well ! They were both very unpleasant char- 
afters — [Here she stops ^ alarmed at seeing it grow 
darker?^ Do you think it is going to rain ? 



Act II] WONDERLAND 21 

'Tweedledum spreads a large carriage umbrella 
over himself and his brother and looking up from 
under it^ says: 

TWEEDLEDUM 

No, I don't think it is; at least — not under 
here. Nohow. But it may rain outside. 

TWEEDLEDEE 

It may— if it chooses, weVe no objeftion. 
Contrariwise. 

ALICE \_aside'\ 

Selfish things. I 'd better go. 

Starts to leave ^ when Tweedledum springs from 
under the umbrella and seizes her by the wrist, 

TWEEDLEDUM {pointing to a small thing 
lying under the tree~\ 

Do you see that ? 

ALICE [_after examining the thing carefully] 
It's only a rattle \she adds hastily^ not a rattle- 
snake, you know. 

TWEEDLEDUM 

I knew it was. 

Stamps about and tears his hair; here he looks at 
Tweedledee^ who sits down on the ground and tries 
to hide himself under the umbrella, 

ALICE \laying her hand on his arm\ 

You needn't be so angry about an old rattle. 



22 A L I C E I N [Act II 

TWEEDLEDUM [very angry'\ 

But it isn't old ! It's new, I tell you — I bought 

it yesterday. My nice new rattle. 

His voice rises to a scream. All this time 'Twee die- 
dee tries his best to fold up the umbrella with him- 
self in it; he ends by rolling over^ bundled up in 
the umbrella^ with his head out; and he lies there 
opening and shutting his mouth and his large eyes, 

ALICE \aside^ looking at him\ 

Well ! You look more like a fish than anything 

else. 

TWEEDLEDUM [to Tweedledee'] 
Of course you agree to have a battle. 

TWEEDLEDEE [sulkily'] 
Well ! I suppose so. [^Crawling quite out of um- 
brella?^ Only she must help to dress up, you 
know. 

Tweedledum and Tweedledee go off^ hand-in-hand^ 
into the wood^ and return with their arms full of 
things^ — bolsters, blankets, hearth-rugs, table-cloths, 
dish-covers and coal-scuttles, prepared so that they 
can be tied on, and one long wooden sword, 

TWEEDLEDUM 

I hope you're a good hand at pinning and tying 
strings ; every one of these things has got to go 
on somehow or other. 



Act II] WONDERLAND 23 

Alice dresses them up in all the things until they 
look like bundles, 

ALICE {cisidel 

Really, they look more like bundles of old 
clothes than anything else. \Alice arranges a 
bolster round the neck of T'weedledee^ sayings aside ^ 
This is to keep his head from being cut off. 

TWEEDLEDEE \yery gravely] 
You know it's one of the most serious things 
that can possibly happen in battle to get one's 
head cut off. 

Alice laughs^ but manages to turn it into a cough. 
Tweedledum comes up to have his helmet tied on. 

TWEEDLEDUM 

Do I look very pale ? 

ALICE \in a low tone] 
Well — yes — a little. 

TWEEDLEDUM [in a low voice] 

I 'm very brave generally, only to-day I happen 

to have a headache. 

TWEEDLEDEE 

And I Ve got a toothache ! I 'm far worse than 
you. 

ALICE Igently] 

Then I would n't fight to-day, if I were you. 



24 A L I C E -I N [Act II 

TWEEDLEDU M ~~~ 

We must have a bit of a fight, but I don't care 
about going on long. What's the time now? 

Tweedledee pulls out big turnip watch. 

TWEEDLEDEE [looking at watch'\ 
Half-past four. 

TWEEDLEDUM 

Let's fight till six and then have dinner, and 
she [pointing to Alice] can v^atch us — only you 'd 
better not come very close; I generally hit 
everything I can see — when I get really ex- 
cited. 

Whirls round and round with sword stretched out 
just missing everything. 

T WEEDLEDEE 

And I hit everything within reach, whether I 
see it or not. 

ALICE [laughsl 

You must hit the trees pretty often, I should 

think. 



TWEEDLEDUM [looks round with a satisfied 
smile\ 

I don't suppose there'll be a tree left standing 
for ever so far round, by the time we've fin- 
ished. 



Act II] WONDERLAND 25 

ALICE 

And all about a rattle ! I should feel ashamed 
to fight about such a trifle. 

TWEEDLEDUM 

I should not have minded so much, if it hadn't 
been a new one. [T'o his brother^ There's only 
one sword, you know, but you can have the 
umbrella- — it's quite as sharp — only we must 
begin quickly. It's getting as dark as it can. 

ALICE 

Why, who is this ? 

Enter Fish-Footman with very large letter^ sealed, 
Frog-Footman comes forward from behind the trees ^ 
and takes the note, 

FISH 

For the Duchess, — where is the Duchess? An 
invitation from the Queen to play croquet. 

Fish-Footman goes off the stage. 

FROG 

From the Queen, an invitation to play croquet. 

TWEEDLEDUM and TWEEDLE- 

D E E \to one another^ 

And we're not asked ; what an insult. 

Begin to cry ; go off the stage followed by Frog-Foot- 
man ; Alice remains. Head of Cheshire Gat appears 
among branches of tree. 



26 A L I C E • I N [Act II 

ALICE [lo herself] 

I wonder what became of the baby that turned 
into a pig. If it has grown up — [sees head of 
Puss'\ Would you tell me, please, which way 
I ought to walk from here ? 

CAT 

That depends a good deal upon where you want 
to go to. 

ALICE 

I don't much care where. 

CAT 

Then it doesn't matter which way you walk. 

ALICE 

So long as I get somewhere. 

CAT 

Oh, you 're sure to do that if you '11 walk long 
enough. 

ALICE 

What sort of people live about here ? 

CAT 

In that direction [pointing to the right"] lives a 
Hatter ; and in that dire6lion [pointing to the left] 
lives a March Hare — visit either you like, 
they're both mad. 

ALICE 

But I don't want to go among mad people. 



Act II] WONDERLAND 27 

CAT 

Oh, you can't help that; we're all mad here. 
I'm mad and you're mad. 

ALICE 

How do you know I 'm mad ? 

CAT 

Why, you must be or you would not have come 
here. 

ALICE 

And how do you know that you're mad? 

CAT 

Why, to begin with, a dog 's not mad ; you 
grant that ? 

ALICE 

I suppose so. 

CAT 

Well, then you see a dog growls when it's 
angry and wags its tail when it's pleased. Now 
I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail 
when I 'm angry, therefore, I 'm mad. 

ALICE 

I call it purring^ not growling. 

CAT 

Call it what you please. Do you play croquet 
with the Queen to-day.? 



28 A L I C E I N [Act II 

ALICE 

I should like to very much, but I haven't been 
invited yet. 

CAT 

You'll see me there. [Cat vanishes^ by means of 
slide in tree. Cat reappears^ By-the-by, what be- 
came of the baby ? 

ALICE 

It turned into a pig. 

CAT 

I thought it w^ould. 

Cat vanishes, 

ALICE 

I've seen Hatters before, and a March Hare 
would be much the most interesting, and per- 
haps as this is May it won't be raving mad, at 
least not so mad as it was in March. 

CAT \reap'pearing\ 
Did you say pig, or fig ? 

ALICE 

I said pig, and I wish you wouldn't keep ap- 
pearing and vanishing so suddenly ; you make 
me quite giddy. 

CAT \yamshing slowly\ 
All right. 



Act II] WONDERLAND 29 

ALICE 

Well ! I Ve often seen a cat without a grin, but 
a grin without a cat is the most astonishing 
thing that I Ve seen in all my life — what next ? 



Curtain falls. 



ACT ITT 

HUMPTT Dumpty sitting on the wall^ which 
is back and to right of stage ^ rolling from 
time to time as if he would roll off. Cater- 
pillar sitting on toad-stool at centre of stage s?noking 
a Hooka, Enter Alice who stands opposite Caterpil- 
lar and they look at one another. Mattrass behind the 
wall for Humpty Dumpty to fall on must not be seen, 

CATERPILLAR [contemptuously'] 
You ! Who are you ? 

ALICE [drawing herself up\ 

I think you ought to tell me who you are. 

CATERPILLAR 

Why ?[ Alice turns away crossly.] Come back ! I 
have something important to say. 

ALICE [aside] 
This sounds promising. 

'Turns back, 
CATERPILLAR 

Now ! Keep your temper. 

ALICE [gulping as if controlling her anger] 
Is that all ? 

CATERPILLAR [puffing away at the pipe] 
So you think you are changed, do you ? 



Act III] WONDERLAND 31 

ALICE 

I 'm afraid I am. Sir ; I can't remember things 
I used to. 

CATERPILLAR 

Can't remember what things ? 

ALICE \_melancholy~\ 

Well, I've tried to say "How doth the little 

busy bee," but it is all different. 

CATERPILLAR 

Repeat "You are old. Father William." 

ALICE 

"You are old, Father William, the young man 

said. 
And your hair has become very white ; 
And yet you incessantly stand on your head — 
Do you think, at your age, it is right ? " 

CATERPILLAR 

That is not said right. 

ALICE 

Not quite right, I'm afraid. 

CATERPILLAR \_decidedly'] 
It is wrong from beginning to end. 

ALICE \indignantly\ 

I have never been so contradifted in my life ; 

I am losing my temper. 



32 A L I C E • I N [Act III 

CATERPILLAR [curls itself up on toad-stool^ 

pipe in its mouthy 

You ought to be content, then. 

Humpty Dumpty sitting on a wall ; Alice sees him 
and goes over and looks at him, 

ALICE 

Humpty Dumpty himself. It can't be anybody 
else. I 'm as certain of it, as if his name were 
written all over his face. \IIumpty Dumpty^ with 
immovable face^ sitting with his legs crossed^ like a 
Turk,'] How exactly like an egg he is. 

HUMPTY DUMPTY 

It's very provoking, to be called an egg — very, 

ALICE 

I said you looked like an egg. Sir. And some 
eggs are very pretty, you know. 

HUMPTY DUMPTY 

Some people have no more sense than a baby. 

Alice stands as if not knowing what to do next; 
finally says softly to herself: 

ALICE 

" Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall ; 
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. 
All the King's horses and all the King's men 
Couldn't put Humpty Dumpty in his place 
again." 



Act III] WONDERLAND 33 

That last line is much too long for the poetry. 

HUMPT Y DUMPTY 

Don't stand chattering to yourself like that, 
but tell me your name and your business. 

ALICE 

My name is Alice. 

HUMPT Y DUMPTY 

It's a stupid name enough! What does it mean? 

ALICE \_doubtfully\ 

Must a name mean something ? 

HUMPTY DUMPTY 

Of course it must ; my name means the shape 
I am — and a good handsome shape it is, too. 
With a name like yours, you might be any 
shape, almost. 

ALICE 

Why do you sit out here all alone ? 

HUMPTY DUMPTY 

Why, because there's nobody with me. Did 
you think I didn't know the answer to that^? 
Ask another. 

ALICE 

Don't you think you'd be safer down on the 
ground ? That wall is so very narrow. 



34 A L I C E • I N [Act III 

HUMPTY DUMPTY 

What tremendously easy riddles you ask. [ Growls 
out in low voice,] Of course I don't think so. Why, 
if ever I did fall off — which there's no chance 
of — but if I did — [/lere he purses up his lips^ and 
looks so solemn and gra?id that Alice can hardly 
help laughing?^ If I did fall, the King has prom- 
ised me — oh, you may turn pale, if you like. 
You didn't think I was going to say that, did 
you? The King has promised me — with his 
very own mouth — to — to — 

ALICE 

To send all his horses and all his men. 

HUMPTY DUMPTY 

Now I declare that's too bad. You've been lis- 
tening at doors — and behind trees — and down 
chimneys — or you couldn't have known it. 

ALICE 

I haven't indeed. It's in a book. 

HUMPTY DUMPTY 

Ah, well ! They may write such things in a 
book. That's what you call a History of Eng- 
land. Now, take a good look at me ! I 'm one 
that has spoken to a King, I am ; mayhap you '11 
never see such another ; and to show you I 'm 
not proud, you may shake hands with me. 
\Smiles from ear to ear and nearly falls off the 



Act III] WONDERLAND 35 

wall in taking Alice s liand.^ Yes, all his horses 
and all his men. They would pick me up again 
in a minute, they would. However, this con- 
versation is going on a little too fast; let's go 
back to the last remark but one. 

ALICE 

I'm afraid I can't quite remember it. 

HUMPTY DUMPTY 

In that case we start fresh, and it 's my turn to 
choose a subjeft. 

ALICE [aside] 

He talks about it just as if it were a game. 

HUMPTY DUMPTY 

Well, here's a question for you. How old did 
you say you were .? 

ALICE \makes a short calculation on her finger s\ 
Seven years and six months. 

HUMPTY DUMPTY 

Wrong ! You never said a word like it. 

ALICE 

I thought you meant " How old are you \ " 

HUMPTY DUMPTY 

If I 'd meant that, I 'd have said it. \^Alice does 
not reply, '\ Seven years and six months. An un- 



36 A L I C E . I N [Act III 

comfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked 
my advice, I 'd have said " Leave off at seven " 
— but it's too late now. 

ALICE 

I never ask advice about growing. 

HUMPTY DUMPTY 

Too proud. 

ALICE \_looking very indignant] 

I mean, that one can't help growing older. 

HUMPTY DUMPTY 

One can't, perhaps, but two can. With proper 
assistance you might have left off at seven. 

ALICE 

What a beautiful belt you've got on. At least, 

I mean, a beautiful cravat. I should have said 

— no, a belt, I mean — I beg your pardon. If 

only I knew, which was neck and which was 

waist. 

Humpty Dumpty looks very ang?y^ though he says 

nothing for a minute or two. When he does speak 

again^ it is in a deep growl. 

HUMPTY DUMPTY 

It's a most — provoking — thing, when a person 

doesn't know a cravat from a belt. 

ALICE 

I know it's very ignorant of me. 



Act III] WONDERLAND 37 

HUMPTY DUMPTY 

It's a cravat, child, and a beautiful one, as you 
say. It's a present from the White King and 
Queen. There now ! 

ALICE 

Is it really ? 

HUMPTY DUMPTY 

They gave it to me [crosses one knee over the other 
and clasps his hands round it] they gave it me — 
for an un-birthday present. 

ALICE 

I beg your pardon. 

HUMPTY DUMPTY 

I 'm not offended. 

ALICE 

I mean, what is an un-birthday present? 

HUMPTY DUMPTY 

A present given when it isn't your birthday, 
of course. 

ALICE [thinks a little\ 

I like birthday presents best. 

HUMPTY DUMPTY 

You don't know what you are talking about ! 
How many days are there in a year ? 



38 A L I C E • I N [Act III 

ALICE 

Three hundred and sixty-five. 

HUMPTY DUMPTY 

And how many birthdays have you ? 

ALICE 

One. 

HUMPTY DUMPTY 

And if you take one from three hundred and 
sixty-five, what remains? 

ALICE 

Three hundred and sixty-four, of course. 

HUMPTY DUMPTY 

That shows that there are three hundred and 
sixty-four days when you might get un-birth- 
day presents — 

ALICE 

Certainly. 

HUMPTY DUMPTY 

And only one for birthday presents, you know. 
There's glory for you. 

ALICE 

I don't know what you mean by " glory." 

HUMPTY DUMPTY [contemptuously'] 
Of course you don't — till I tell you. I meant 
"there 's a nice knock-down argument for you." 



Act III] WONDERLAND 39 

ALICE 

But "glory" doesn't mean "a nice knock-down 
argument." 

HUMPTY DUMPTY 

When I use a word it means just what I choose 
it to mean — neither more nor less. 

ALICE \in a thoughtful tone] 

That's a great deal to make one word mean. 

HUMPTY DUMPTY 

The question is, which is to be master. That 's 
all. Good-bye. 

ALICE 

Good-bye, till we meet again. 

HUMPTY DUMPTY 

I shouldn't know you again if we did meet 
[giving her one of his fingers to shake] ; you're so 
exaftly like other people. 

ALICE \jhakes his finger] 

The face is what one goes by, generally. 

HUMPTY DUMPTY 

That's just what I complain of. Your face is the 
same as everybody has — the two eyes, so [mark- 
ing their places in the air with his thumb^ nose in 
the middle, mouth under. It's always the same. 
But if you had the two eyes on the same side 



40 A L I C E • I N [Act III 

of the nose, for instance — or the mouth at the 
top — that would be some help. 

ALICE 

It wouldn't look nice. 

HUMPTY DUMPTY 

Wait till youVe tried. 

Alice waits to see if he will speak again^ but as 
he never opens his eyes or takes any further notice of 
her^ she says " Good-bye ! " once more^ and getting 
no answer to this^ runs off to the rights but stops ^ 
seeing a book lying on the ground^ picks it up and 
turns over the leaves to find some part she can read 
but finds none. 

ALICE 

It is all in some language I don't know. \Pu'z- 
zles over it and then exclaims ;] To be sure, it 's a 
looking-glass book ! I must read it backwards. 

CATERPILLAR 

Give it to me. You're stupid. IReads^l 

I 

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves 
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe ; 
All mimsy were the borogoves. 
And the mome raths outgrabe. 

\^At end of each verse turns to Alice and explains ;] 
Brillig means four o'clock in the morning, you 



Act III] WONDERLAND 41 

know. The time when you begin broiling things 
for dinner. 

yabberwock comes in; moves slowly round and 
round towards the hack of stage ^ and then goes out 
again, 

II 
Beware the Jabberwock, my son ! 
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch ! 
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun 
The frumious Bandersnatch ! 

The jabberwock suddenly runs in pursued by 
Knight, Humpty Dumpty sitting upon a wall, 

III 
He took his vorpal sword in hand ; 
Long time the manxome foe he sought — 
So rested he by the Tumtum tree, 
And stood a while in thought. 

IV 

And as in uffish thought he stood, 
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame, 
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood, 
And burbled as it came ! 

V 

One, two! One, two! And through and through 
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack ! 
He left it dead, and with its head 
He went galumphing back. 



42 A L I C E . I N [Act III 

ALICE 

Explain ! Explain ! 

CATERPILLAR 

Well, " slithy " means " lithe and slimy," " lithe" 
is the same as " a6live." It 's like a portmanteau. 
There are two meanings packed in one word. 
But you're too stupid for me [contemptuous ly\. 

Crash is heard and Humpty Dumpty falls off the 
wall backwards on a mattrass out of sight behind 
the wall. 



Curtain falls. 



ACT IV 

GARDEN Scene, There is a table set under 
the trees a little to the rights slightly back of 
stage ^ with an arm-chair at the end to the 
left^ and four chairs at the side facing the audience^ 
another arm-chair to the right at the end^ the table 
littered with cups and saucers^ a pitcher of milk^ a 
big teapot in the middle and bread and butter to 
left. The March Hare and the Hatter are having 
tea at the table; the Dormouse is sitting between 
them fast asleep and the other two are using it as a 
cushion^ resting their elbows on it^ and talking over 
its head, Enter Alice who walks towards the table 
and says : 

ALICE 

Very uncomfortable for the Dormouse, only, as 
it's asleep, I suppose it doesn't mind. 

ALL THREE [March Hare, Hatter and Dor- 
mouse to Alice~\ 

No room ! No room ! 

ALICE 

There 's plenty of room ! 

Sits down in a large arm-chair at one end of the 
table, 

MARCH HARE \in encouraging tone"] 
Have some wine ? 



44 A L I C E I N [Act IV 

ALICE 

I don't see any wine. 

MARCH HARE 

There isn't any. 

ALICE 

Then it wasn't very civil of you to offer it. 

MARCH HARE 

It wasn't very civil of you to sit down without 
being invited. 

ALICE 

I didn't know it was your table ; it's laid for a 
great many more than three. 

HATTER 

Your hair wants cutting. 

He has been looking at Alice for some time with 
great curiosity^ and this is his first speech, 
ALICE 

You should learn not to make personal re- 
marks. It's very rude. 
Hatter opens his eyes very wide on hearing this, 

HATTER 

Why is a raven like a writing desk ? 

ALICE \_aside\ 

Come, we shall have some fun now ! I am glad 
they have begun asking riddles — \to Hatter^ I 
believe I can guess that. 



Act IV] WONDERLAND 45 

MARCH HARE 

Do you mean you think you can find out the 

answer to it ? 

ALICE 

Exactly so. 

MARCH HARE 

Then you should say what you mean. 

ALICE 

I do, at least I mean what I say — that's the 
same thing, you know. 

HATTER 

Not the same thing a bit ! Why, you might 
just as well say that I see what I eat is the same 
thing as I eat what I see. 

MARCH HARE 

You might just as well say that I like what I 
get is the same as I get what I like. 

DORMOUSE [who seems to he talking in his 
sleep\ 

You might just as well say that I breathe when 
I sleep is the same thing as I sleep when I 
breathe. 

HATTER 

It is the same thing with you. \All sit silent for 
a littk while,'] What day of the month is it ? 



46 A L I C E • I N [Act IV 

Takes his watch out of his pocket and looks at it 

uneasily^ shaking it every now and then^ and holding 

it to his ear. 

ALICE \thinks a little'] 

The fourth. 

HATTER 

Two days wrong ! I told you butter wouldn't 
suit the works ! 

MARCH HARE 

It was the best butter. 

HATTER 

Yes, but some crumbs must have got in as well. 
You shouldn't have put it in with the bread- 
knife. 

'The March Hare takes the watch and looks at it 
gloomily ; then he dips it into his cup of tea ^ and looks 
at it again. 

MARCH HARE 
It was the best butter, you know. 
Alice has been looking over the shoulder of March 
Hare with some curiosity. 
ALICE 

What a funny watch ! It tells the day of the 
month and doesn't tell what o'clock it is. 

HATTER 

Why should it ? Does your watch tell you what 
year it is ? 



Act IV] WONDERLAND 47 

ALICE 

Of course not, but that's because it stays the 
same year for such a long time together. 

HATTER 

Which is just the case with mine. 

ALICE [looks dreadfully puzzled^ 
I don't quite understand you. 

HATTER 

The Dormouse is asleep again. 

Pours a little tea on his nose. The Dormouse shakes 
his head impatiently, 

DORMOUSE 

Of course, of course ; just what I was going to 
remark myself. 

HATTER 

Have you guessed the riddle yet ? 

ALICE 

No, I give it up ; what's the answer? 

HATTER 

I haven't the slightest idea. 

ALICE 

I think you might do something better with 
the time, than wasting it in asking riddles that 
have no answers. 



48 A L I C E . I N [Act IV 

HATTER 

If you knew Time as well as I do, you wouldn't 
talk about wasting it. It 's him. 

ALICE 

I don't know what you mean. 

HATTER 

Of course you don't ! I dare say you never even 
spoke to Time. 

ALICE 

Perhaps not, but I know I have to beat time 
when I learn music. 

HATTER 

Ah ! that accounts for it. He won't stand beat- 
ing. Now if you only kept on good terms with 
him, he'd do almost anything you liked with 
the clock. For instance, suppose it were nine 
in the morning, just time to begin lessons : 
you'd only have to whisper a hint to Time, 
and round goes the clock in a twinkling. Half- 
past one, time for dinner ! 

MARCH H A R E [/// whisper'] 
I only wish it was. 

ALICE 

That would be grand, certainly, but then — I 
shouldn't be hungry for it, you know. 



Act IV] WONDERLAND 49 

HATTER 

Not at first, perhaps, but you could keep it to 
half-past one as long as you liked. 

ALICE 

Is that the way you manage ? 

HATTER [shakes his head mournfully^ 
Not I. We quarrelled last March — just before 
he went mad, you know — \potnting with his tea- 
spoon at the March Hare] it was at the great con- 
cert given by the Queen of Hearts, and I had 
to sing 

"Twinkle, twinkle, little bat ! 
How I wonder what you 're at ! " 

ALICE 

It goes on, you know, in this way : 

" Up above the world you fly, 

Like a tea-tray in the sky. 

Twinkle, twinkle — " 

Here the Dormouse shakes himself^ and begins sing- 
ing in his sleeps "Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, 
twinkle — " and goes on so long that they have to 
pinch him to make him stop, 

HATTER 

Well, I'd hardly finished the first verse, when 
the Queen bawled out "He's murdering the 
time ! Off with his head ! " 



50 A L I C E . I N [Act IV 

ALICE 

How dreadfully savage. 

HATTER 

And ever since that, he won't do a thing I ask. 
It's always six o'clock now. 

ALICE 

Is that the reason so many tea-things are put 
out here ? 

HATTER 

Yes, that 's it ; it 's always tea-time, and we 've 
no time to wash the things between whiles. 

ALICE 

Then you keep moving round, I suppose ? 

HATTER 

Exaftly so ; as the things get used up. 

ALICE 

But when you come to the beginning again ? 

MARCH HARE 

Suppose we change the subjeft. I'm getting 
tired of this. I vote the young lady tells us a 
story. 

ALICE \rather alarmed at the proposal~\ 

I 'm afraid I don't know one. 

March Hare and Hatter shake the Dormouse, 



Act IV] WONDERLAND 51 

ALL ~~ 

Then the Dormouse shalL Wake up, Dormouse. 

Dormouse slowly opens his eyes, 

DORMOUSE 

I was n't asleep, I heard every word you fellows 
were saying. 

MARCH HARE 

Tell us a story ! 

ALICE 

Yes, please do. 

HATTER 

And be quick about it, or you '11 be asleep again 
before you begin. 

DORMOUSE [beginning in great hurry] 
Once upon a time there were three little sisters ; 
and their names were Elsie, Lucie and Tillie ; 
and they lived at the bottom of a well — 

ALICE 

What did they live on ? 

DORMOUSE \_afler thinking a moment'] 
They lived on treacle. 

ALICE 

They couldn't have done that, you know: 
they'd have been ilL 



52 A L I C E . I N [Act IV 

DORMOUSE 

So they were, very ill. 

Dormouse constantly goes to sleep while telling his 
story and is shaken up by March Hare and Hatter. 

ALICE 

Why did they live at the bottom of a well ? 

MARCH HARE \yery earnestly^ 
Take some more tea. 

ALICE 

IVe had nothing yet, so I can't take more. 

HATTER 

You mean, you can't take less ; it 's very easy to 
take more than nothing. 

ALICE 

Nobody asked your opinion. 

HATTER {triumphantly'] 

Who 's making personal remarks now ? 

Alice does not quite know what to say to this ; so 
she helps herself to some tea and bread and butter^ 
and then turns to the Dormouse^ and repeats her ques- 
tion, 

ALICE 
Why did they live at the bottom of the well ? 

Dormouse takes a minute or two to think about it. 



Act IV] WONDERLAND 53 

DORMOUSE 

It was a treacle-well. 

ALICE [very angrily] 
There's no such thing. 

Hatter and March Hare say ^^Sh ! sh !'^ and the 

Dormouse sulkily says : 

DORMOUSE 

If you can't be civil, you'd better finish the 
story for yourself. 

ALICE \yery humbly] 

No, please go on ! I won't interrupt again. I 

dare say there may be one, 

DORMOUSE {indignantly] 

One, indeed ! And so these three little sisters 

— they were learning to draw, you know — 

ALICE 

What did they draw? 

DORMOUSE 

Treacle. 

HATTER 

I want a clean cup, let's all move one place on. 

T^he Hatter upsets the milk-cup as he moves and the 
Dormouse follows him; the March Hare moves into 
the Dormouse's place ^ and Alice rather unwillingly 
takes the place of the March Hare, The Hatter is 



54 A L I C E ■ I N [Act IV 

the only one who gets any advantage from the change ; 
and Alice is a good deal worse ojf than before 'for 
the March Hare has just upset the milk-jug into 
his plate, 

ALICE 

But I don't understand. Where did they draw 
the treacle from ? 

HATTER 

You can draw water out of a water-well ; so I 
should think you could draw treacle out of a 
treacle-well, eh, stupid ? 

ALICE 

But they were in the well. 

DORMOUSE 

Of course they were — well in. They were 
learning to draw \yawning and rubbing his eyes^ 
for he was getting very sleepy\ and they drew all 
manner of things — ^^every thing that begins with 
an M— 

ALICE 

Why with an M ? 

MARCH HARE 

Why not ? 

Dormouse begins going off into a doze^ but^ on being 
pinched by the Hatter^ he wakes up again with a 
little shriek^ and goes on. 



Act IV] WONDERLAND 55 

DORMOUSE 

— that begins with an M, such as mousetraps, 
and the moon and memory, and muchness — 
you know you say things are "much of a much- 
ness" — -did you ever see such a thing as a draw- 
ing of a muchness ? 

ALICE [very much confused^ 

Really, now you ask me, I don't think — 

HATTER 

Then you shouldn't talk. 

This piece of rudeness is more than Alice can hear ; 
she gets up in great disgust^ and walks off; the Dor- 
mouse falls asleep instantly^ and neither of the others 
takes the least notice of her goings though she looks 
hack once or twice ^ half hoping that they will call 
after her ; the last time she sees them^ they are try- 
ing to put the Dormouse into the teapot^ which stands 
in front of him. 



Curtain falls. 



ACT V 

A GARDEN. Enter three gardeners with 
spades and walk up to a large standard 
rose-tree^ which is full of white roses. "They 
begin to paint them red. Enter Alice ^ who watches 
them curiously. 

TWO OF SPADES 

Look out now. Five. Don't go splashing paint 
over me like that. 

FIVE OF SPADES \_sumif[ 

I couldn't help it. Seven jogged my elbow. 

SEVEN OF SPADES 

That's right, Five. Always lay the blame on 
others. 

FIVE 

Toud better not talk. I heard the Queen say 
only yesterday you deserved to be beheaded. 

TWO 

V^hatfor? 

SEVEN 

That 's none of your business, Two. 

FIVE 

Yes, it is his business — and I'll tell him — it 
was for bringing the cook tulip-roots instead of 
onions. 



Act V] WONDERLAND 57 

SEVEN \throwing down his brush~\ 
Well — of all unjust things. 

Sees Alice ^ and suddenly stops. "The others look round 
also^ and all of them bow low. 

ALICE \timidly\ 

Would you tell me, please, why you are paint- 
ing those roses ? 

Five and Seven say nothing and look at Two. 

TWO [after slight pause ^ in a low tone'\ 
Why, the faft is, you see. Miss, this here ought 
to have been a red rose-tree, and we put a white 
one in by mistake ; and if the Queen was to find 
it out, we should all have our heads cut ofi\, you 
know. So you see. Miss, we're doing our best 
before she comes to — 

FIVE \who has been looking anxiously across the 
garden'] 

The Queen ! the Queen ! 

Two^ Five and Seven instantly throw themselves jlat 
on their faces round the rose-tree. 

ALICE \looking round eagerly] 
Yes, there they come. What a number of peo- 
ple ! I wonder whether I ought to throw my- 
self on my face, like the three gardeners ! I 
can't remember if there is such a rule at pro- 
cessions. And besides, what would be the use 



58 A L I C E. I N [Act V 

of a procession if people had to lie down on 
their faces, so that they couldn't see it? No, 
I '11 stand here and wait ! 

Tramp of feet is heard behind scene as of many peo- 
ple passings also beat of drum^ and fife ^ and blast 
of trumpet, "Enter Queen of Hearts^ King of Hearts^ 
Executioner and procession. Procession moves across 
the stage. Children of the Queen^ ladies in waitings 
ofiicers of the Courts preceded by four heralds with 
trumps,, all to be dressed like a pack of cards. King 
and Queen leave the procession and come towards 
the rose-tree. Executioner in the background with 
axe, 

QUEEN \to gardeners'] 

Get up ! [Seeing Alice,"] Who are you? What's 

your name, child ? 

ALICE \_poUtely^ somewhat tremulously'] 
My name is Alice, so please your Majesty. 

QUEEN 

And who are these? 

ALICE 

How should / know ? It's no business of mine. 

QUEEN \_glares at her and screams] 
Off with her head ! Off with her head ! 

ALICE 

Nonsense ! Don't talk rubbish. 



Act V] WONDERLAND 59 

KING \timidly to Queen] 

Consider, my dear. She is only a child ! 

Q U E E N ^ \_pointing to gardeners] 
Turn them over. [^Ki?7g carefully turns them over^ 
one by one^ with his feet, 7u'^, Five and Seven jump 
up and bow to King^ Queen and Alice ^ without stop- 
ping^ Leave that off! You make me giddy. 
\Looks at rose-tree,] What have you been doing 
here ? 

TWO Ingoing down on one knee^ humbly] 

May it please your Majesty, v^e were trying — 

QUEEN 

I see ! Off with their heads ! 

'The three gardeners run behind Alice for protection, 

ALICE 

You shan't be beheaded. 

QUEEN \jhouting and going off the stage] 
Are their heads off? 

EXECUTIONER [shouting] 

Their heads are gone, if it please your Majesty. 

QUEEN \nearly off stage, still shouting] 
Can you play croquet, Alice ? 

ALICE [shouting] 
Yes! 



6o A L I C E • 1 N [Act V 

QUEEN [roaring'] 

Come on, then ! I invite you to my croquet 
party. 

'Exeunt Queen ^ King^ Executioner and procession. 
ALICE 

Oh dear! I don't think I'll follow her — at 
least, not yet! She's sure to want to cut my 
head off. What a temper she has, to be sure. 
Heigho ! Why, what is that ? \_Looks up and sees 
the grin of the Cheshire Cat in the tree to left of the 
stage.] It's a grin — no, it isn't — yes, it is — 
why, it's the Cheshire Cat ! This is nice ! Now 
I shall have somebody to talk to. 

CAT 

How are you getting on ? 

ALICE lasideli 

I must wait till the eyes appear — oh, here they 
are ! It's no use speaking to it, though, till its 
ears have come, or at least one of them. 

CAT [head appearing sideways^ only one ear showing] 
There, that's all you will see of me just now. 
That's quite enough for to-day. Now, how are 
you getting on at the croquet party ? 

ALICE 

Well, I haven't been there yet, and, to tell you 
the truth, I don't much care to go. The Queen 



Act V] WONDERLAND 6i 

quarrels so dreadfully with everybody, that I 
am quite afraid of her. 

CAT 

How do you like the Queen ? 

ALICE 

Not at all. She's so extremely — 

Writer King hurriedly, 

KING \not seeing head of Cheshire Cai\ 
Who are you talking to, pray ? And why don't 
you come to play croquet with the Queen ? 
She'll be so angry, she'll have your head off if 
she finds you here. \Seeing Cat] What is that 
you are talking to ? 

ALICE 

It's a friend of mine — a Cheshire Cat. Allow 

me to introduce it. 

KING 

I don't like the look of it at all. However, it 
may kiss my hand if it likes. 

CAT 

I 'd rather not. 

KING l^geuing behind Alice] 

Don't be impertinent — and don't look at me 
like that. 



62 A L I C E . I N [Act V 

ALICE 

"A cat may look at a king." I've read that in 
some book, but I don't remember where. 

KING 

Well, it must be removed, that's all I know. 
[Enter Queen, 'To the Queen,'] My dear, I wish you 
would have this Cat removed. I don't like it. 

QUEEN 

Off with his head ! 

KING 

I thought you would say so. I '11 go and fetch 
the Executioner myself. 

Exit King. 

ALICE 

I say, don't you think you had better go home ? 

CAT 

No, I don't mind. I'll stay where I am, I 
think. Thank you all the same, though. 

QUEEN [impatiently^ looking in direction where 

the King went off~\ 

What a long time they are coming. 

E?2ter King and Executioner, 

KING 

I've run so hard, I'm quite out of breath. Here 

he is, my dear, here he is ! Pray repeat your 

commands. •» 



Act V] WONDERLAND 63 

QUEEN \_poinHng to Cafs head~\ 
Off with his head ! 

EXECUTIONER 

Where is he ? I don't see him. In faft, I can't 
see anybody. 

QUEEN 

Don't you see the Cat, you stupid man ? 

KING 

Can't you see him up there, grinning as large 
as Hfe ? 

ALICE lasidel 

Poor Cheshire Cat ! It's all over with him, I'm 
afraid. 

EXECUTIONER [jeeing Cat] 
Him ! 

CAT \benignly'] 

Yes, old fellow, they mean me. Look hard at 
me, while you're about it. 

KING 

Yes, that Cat. 

QUEEN 

Don't you understand English ? 

EXECUTIONER 

Yes, I do ! What then ? 



64 A L I C E . I N [Act V 

QUEEN 

You're to chop his head off. 

EXECUTIONER 

I can't. 
QUEEN 

You can't ? 

KING [faintly'] 
He can't. 

CAT \_quietly~\ 

I thought as much. 

EXECUTIONER 

No, I can't. And what's more, I won't, that's 
flat. A likely idea that ! 

KING 

What do you mean ? 

QUEEN 

How dare you ? 

ALICE lasUe] 
Oh, I'm so glad. 

EXECUTIONER 

I mean what I say. I can't. And I'll tell you 
why. This is my argument : You can't cut off 
a head unless there 's a body to cut it from ; 
that's nature, that is. I've never had such a 
thing to do before, and I 'm not going to begin 
at my time of life. 



Act V] WONDERLAND 65 

KING 

Well, that may be your argument. And a very- 
poor one it is, to my idea. Now you look here 
— this is my argument — everything that's got 
a head can be beheaded. So don't talk nonsense, 
and do your duty. 

QUEEN 

Argument, indeed ! Fiddlesticks ! If something 
isn't done about this preposterous business in 
less than no time, I '11 have everybody executed 
all round. And that's my argument. 

ALICE 

Please your Majesty, the Cat belongs to the 
Duchess, hadn't you better ask her about it? 

Cat disappears, 

QUEEN [to King'] 

Yes, come. We must have the Duchess brought 

here at once. 

Exeunt, 'Enter the Duchess who tucks her arm af- 

fe5lionately into Alice's from behind and says^ close 

to her ear^ resting her chin on her shoulder : 

DUCHESS 

You're thinking about something, my dear, 

and that makes you forget to talk. I can't tell 

you just now what the moral of that is. 

ALICE 

Perhaps it hasn't one. 



66 A L I C E. I N [Act V 

DUCHESS 

Tut, tut, child ! Everything's got a moral if 
only you can find it. 

Squeezes herself closer to Alice, who looks uncom- 
fortable. 

ALICE [timidly\ 

I think the Queen's croquet party is going on 
rather better now. 

DUCHESS 

'Tis so, and the moral of that is — "Oh, 'tis 
love, 'tis love, that makes the world go round." 

ALICE [asidel 

Somebody said, that it's done by everybody 

minding their own business. 

DUCHESS 

Ah, well. It means much the same thing [digs 
her sharp little chin into Alice's shoulder^ and the 
moral of that is — "Take care of the sense, and 
the sounds will take care of themselves. "^ [Enter 
the Queen, Seeing her the Duchess's voice dies away 
and she begins to tremble, Alice looks up and sees 
the Queen, who is frowning like a thunderstorm, 
with her arms folded, 'The Duchess speaks in a 
frightened voice i\ A fine day, your Majesty. 

QUEEN 

Now, I give you fair warning [shouting and 
stamping on the ground^ that either you or your 



Act V] WONDERLAND 67 

head must be off! Take your choice. [Duc/iess 
goes off in a hurry. Queen turning to A lice. ^ Have 
you seen the Mock Turtle yet? 

ALICE 

No, I don't even know what a Mock Turtle is. 

QUEEN 

It's the thing Mock Turtle Soup is made from. 

ALICE 

I never heard of one. 

QUEEN 

Come on, then, and he shall tell you his history. 
[T'urns to go out. Enter the Gryphon^ who lies down 
at one side of the stage and goes to sleepy Up, lazy 
thing, and take this young lady to see the Mock 
Turtle. I must go back and see after some ex- 
ecutions I have ordered. 



Curtain falls. 



ACT VI 

DROP sea scene back of stage. Trees in front 
left and right of stage. Rocks to left and 
right on stage with open space between lead- 
ing down to the water. Gryphon sitting up on rocks 
to left rubbing its eyes and chuckling ; Alice standing 
by. Mock Turtle on the rocks to the right weeping. 

GRYPHON 

What fun ! 
ALICE 

What is the fun ? 

GRYPHON 

Why the Queen. It's all her fancy, that ; they 
never execute nobody, you know. Come on ! 
\They walk up to the Mock Turtle who looks at them 
with large eyes filled with tears ^ but says nothing. 
Gryphon to Turtle?^ This here young lady, she 
wants to know your history, she do. 

MOCK TURTLE p;/^ deep, hollow tons'] 
1 11 tell it her ; sit down both of you, and don't 
speak a word till I have finished. 

No one speaks for a moment or two. 

ALICE {aside] 

I don't see how he can ever finish if he doesn't 

begin. % 



Act VI] WONDERLAND 69 

Waits patiently, 

MOCK TURTLE {_with a deep sigK] 

Once I was a real Turtle. 

Silence for a moment, 
GRYPHON [occasionally'] 
Hjckrrh ! 

Mock Turtle sobs and sobs» Alice begins to get up 

and says : 

ALICE 

Thank you, Sir, for your interesting story. 

Sits down again as if she thinks there is more to come, 
MOCK TURTLE [still sohbing\ 
We went to school in the sea. The master was 
an old Turtle — we used to call him Tortoise — 

ALICE 

Why did you call him Tortoise, if he wasn't 
one? 

MOCK TURTLE [angrily] 

We called him Tortoise because he taught us ; 
really you are very dull. 

GRYPHON 

You ought to be ashamed of yourself for asking 
such a simple question. ^They both sit ajid look 
at Alice ^ who looks as if she would like to sink into 
the ground. Gryphon to Mock Turtle?^ Drive on, 
old fellow ! Don't be all day about it. 



70 ALICE IN [Act VI 

MOCK TURTLE 

Yes, we went to school in the sea, though you 
mayn't believe it — 

ALICE 

I never said I didn't ! 

MOCK TURTLE 

You did. [Mock T'ur tie goes on with his story.] We 
had the best of educations — in faft, we went to 
school every day. 

ALICE 

Fve been to a day-school, too ; you needn't be 
so proud as all that. 

MOCK TURTLE [anxiously^ 
With extras? 

ALICE 

Yes, we learned French and music. 

MOCK TURTLE 

And washing ? 

ALICE [indignantly'] 
Certainly not ! 

MOCK TURTLE [in a tone of great relief] 
Ah! Then yours wasn't really a good school. 
Now at ours they had at the end of the bill, 
^'French, music, and washing — extras." 



Act VI] WONDERLAND 71 

ALICE 

You could not have wanted it much, living at 
the bottom of the sea. 

MOCK TURTLE [with a sigh] 

I couldn't afford to learn it. I only took the 

regular course. 

ALICE 

What was that ? 

MOCK TURTLE 

Reeling and Writhing, of course, to begin with ; 
and then the different branches of Arithmetic 
— Ambition, Distraction, Uglification and De- 
rision. 

ALICE 

I never heard of " Uglification." What is it ? 

T'/ie Gryphon lifts up both its paws with surprise, 

GRYPHON 

Never heard of uglifying ! You know what to 

beautify is, I suppose? 

ALICE \douhtfully\ 

It means — to — make anything — prettier. 

GRYPHON 

Well then, if you don't know what to uglify is, 
you are a simpleton. 



72 A L I C E. I N [Act VI 

ALICE [turns to Mock 'Turtle^ 
What else had you to learn ? 

MOCK TURTLE 

That's enough about lessons — let's talk of 
games now. You may not have lived under 
the sea. 

ALICE 
I haven't. 

MOCK TURTLE 

Perhaps you were never even introduced to a 
lobster — 

ALICE 

I once tasted \stops confused^ continues hastily'] no, 
never. 

MOCK TURTLE 

So you have no idea what a delightful thing a 
Lobster-Quadrille is. 

ALICE 

No, indeed. What sort of a dance is it ? 

GRYPHON 

You first form into a line along the seashore — 

MOCK TURTLE 

Two lines. Seals, turtles, salmon, and so on ; 
then, when you've cleared all the jelly-fish out 
of the way — «^ 



Act VI] WONDERLAND 73 

GRYPHON [interrupting] 
That generally takes some time. 

MOCK TURTLE [continuing\ 

— you advance twice — 

GRYPHON 

Each with a lobster as a partner. 

Makes a motion of dancing forward as if he had a 
lobster by the claw, 

MOCK TURTLE 

Of course; advance twice, set to partners — 

Mock Hurtle and Gryphon move back and forward 
as if in the figure of a quadrille, 

GRYPHON 

Change lobsters and retire in same order. 

MOCK TURTLE 

Then, you know, you throw the — 

GRYPHON \interruping\ 

Lobsters ! \With a shout and bound into the air.] 

Gryphon and Mock Turtle make motions as if throw- 
ing imaginary partners out to sea, 

MOCK TURTLE 

— as far out to sea as you can — 

GRYPHON \_with a scream] 
Swim after them. 



74 A L I C E I N [Act VI 

Both rush towards the sea as if about to plunge in. 
Mock T^urtle makes believe turn a somersault^ and 
capers wildly about, 

MOCK TURTLE 

Turn a somersault in the sea. 

GRYPHON \_at the top of his voice] 
Change lobsters again. 

They move back from sea and towards one another^ 
as if about to go through ladies chain, 

MOCK TURTLE 

Back to land again, and — \drops his voice sud- 
denlyl that's the first figure. 

The two creatures^ who have been jumping about 
like mad things during this description^ sit down 
quietly a?jd sadly and look at Alice, 

ALICE 

It must be a very pretty dance. 

MOCK TURTLE [/^ Gryphon] 

Come, let's try the first figure. We can do it 

without lobsters, you know. Which shall sing ? 

GRYPHON 

Oh, you sing. I 've forgotten the words. 

All the animals and birds come in while the Gry- 
phon is speaking and form in a circle behind Alice ^ 



Act VI] WONDERLAND 75 

the Gryphon and Mock T^urtle, After each verse 
they bend forward with their right hand to their 
ear and sing in chorus "Will you, won't you, 
won't you join the dance." At the end of the 
second verse they all join in dancing the lobster 
quadrille to music of song^ which continues for 
quadrille. After which they stand back while 
Mock Turtle sings "Beautiful Soup," and at the 
end form a tableau. 

MOCK TURTLE 

" Will you walk a little faster," said a whiting 

to a snail, 
"There's a porpoise close behind us, and he's 

treading on my tail. 
See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all 

advance ! 
They are waiting on the shingle — will you 

come and join the dance? 
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will 

you join the dance ? 
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't 

you join the dance? 



"You can really have no notion how delightful 

it will be 
When they take us up and throw us, with the 

lobsters, out to sea ! " 



76 A L I C E I N [Act VI 

But the snail replied, "Too far, too far!" and 

gave a look askance — 
Said he thanked the whiting kindly, but he 

would not join the dance, 
Would not, could not, would not, could not, 

would not join the dance. 
Would not, could not, would not, could not, 

could not join the dance. 

ALICE [in rather a frightened tone\ 

Thank you, it's a very interesting dance to 
watch, and I like the song about the whiting. 

GRYPHON 

No accounting for tastes! Sing her "Turtle 
Soup," will you, old fellow ? 

MOCK TURTLE \_sighing deeply and chok- 
ing with sohs^ sings\ 

" Beautiful Soup, so rich and green, 
Waiting in a hot tureen ! 
Who for such dainties would not stoop ? 
Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup ! 
Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup ! 

Beau-ootiful Soo-oop ! 

Beau-ootiful Soo-oop ! 
Soo-oop of the e-e-evening, 

Beautiful, beautiful Soup ! 



Act VI] WONDERLAND 77 

Beautiful Soup ! Who cares for fish. 
Game, or any other dish ? 
Who would not give all else for two 
Pennyworth only of beautiful Soup? 
Pennyworth of beautiful Soup ? 

Beau-ootiful Soup ! 

Beau-ootiful Soup ! 
Soo-oop of the e-e-evening. 

Beautiful, beauti-FUL SOUP!" 

T'ableau, 



Curtain falls. 



ACT V r T 

KING and Queen on throne, Fish-Footman 
and Frog-Footman on either side at foot of 
the throne. Gentlemen in Waiting and Ladies 
in Waiting on either side. Children of King and 
Queen on either side. All the Court massed behind 
the throne dressed as cards. On the left^ a table for 
the three judges^ who sit behind raised on a platform. 
On the right jury box^ with twelve fury men. At 
the foot of the throne stands the Knave in chains 
with a Soldier on either side. Near the King is the 
White 'Rabbit with a trumpet in one hand and a 
scroll of parchment in the other. In the middle of the 
court is a table with a large dish of tarts upon 
it. The King who aBs as head judge wears his 
crown on top of a big white wig. All the other judges 
wear wigs. I'he twelve jurors each have a slate 
and are the animals and birds who have been char- 
acters in the play. Present are Gryphon^ Mock 
Turtle^ Humpty Dumpty^ The Duchess, Hatter, 
March Hare, Dormouse, etc, 

KING 

Herald, read the accusation ! 

White Rabbit blows three blasts on the trumpet; 
then he unrolls the parchment and reads as follows; 



Act VII] WONDERLAND 79 

WHITE RABBIT 

"The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts. 
All on a summer day ; 
The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts. 
And took them quite away ! " 

KING [to jury} 
Consider your verdift. 

WHITE RABBIT 

Not yet, not yet ! There 's a great deal to come 
before that ! 

KING 

Call the first witness. 

Rabbit blows three blasts on the trumpet and calls 
out: 

WHITE RABBIT 

First witness ! 

The Jirst witness is the Hatter^ who comes with a 

teacup in one hand and a piece of bread and butter 

in the other. 

HATTER 

I beg your pardon, your Majesty, for bringing 

these in ; but I had n't quite finished my tea 

when I was sent for. 

KING 

You ought to have finished. When did you be- 
gin ? 



8o A L I C E I N [Act VII 

Hatter looks at the March Hare^ who has followed 
him into courts arm in arm with the Dormouse, 

HATTER 

Fourteenth of March, I think it was. 

MARCH HARE 

Fifteenth. 

DORMOUSE 

Sixteenth. 

KING \tojury\ 

Write that down. YJury write down all these 
dates on their slates^ Take o£F your hat. 

HATTER 

It isn't mine. 

KING \to jury\ 
Stolen ! 

Jury instantly make a memorandum of the fa6l. 

HATTER 

I keep them all to sell. I Ve none of my own. 
I 'm a hatter. 

Here the Queen puts on her speBacles and begins to 
stare hard at the Hatter who fidgets, 

KING 

Give your evidence ; and don't be nervous, or 
I'll have you executed on the spot. 



Act VII] WONDERLAND 8i 

Hatter keeps shifting from one foot to the other ^ looks 
uneasily at the Queen and in his confusion bites a 
large piece out of his teacup instead of the bread and 
butter, Dormouse crosses the court and Queen says 
to ojicer : 

QUEEN \to officer'] 

Bring me the list of singers in the last court 
concert. 

KING 

Give your evidence, or I '11 have you executed, 
whether you're nervous or not. 

HATTER 

I'm a poor man, your Majesty, and I hadn't 
but just begun my tea — not above a week or 
so — and what with the bread and butter getting 
so thin — and the twinkling of the tea — 

KING 

The twinkling of what F 

HATTER 

It began with the tea. 

KING 

Of course twinkling begins with a T ! Do you 
take me for a dunce ? Go on ! 

HATTER 

After that I cut some more bread and butter — 



82 A L I C E. I N [Act VII 

ONE OF JURY 

But what did the Dormouse say ? 

HATTER 

That I can't remember. 

KING 

You must remember, or I '11 have you executed. 

Hatter drops his teacup and bread and butter and 
falls on his knees, 

HATTER 

I'm a poor man, your Majesty. 

KING 

You 're a very poor speaker. If that 's all you 
know about it, you may stand down. 

HATTER 

I can't go no lower. I 'm on the floor, as it is. 

KING 

Then you may sit down, or leave the court- 
room. [Hatter hurriedly leaves court,] Call the 
next witness. 

WHITE RABBIT 
Alice ! 

ALICE 
Here ! 



Act VII] WONDERLAND 83 

KING 

The trial cannot proceed until all the Jurymen 
take their places. What do you know of this 
business ? 

ALICE 

Nothing. 

KING 

Nothing whatever ? 

ALICE 

Nothing whatever. 

KING 

That's very important. 

WHITE RABBIT 

Unimportant, your Majesty means. 

KING 

Unimportant, of course, I meant. Silence ! 
[Reads from his book^ Rule Forty-two. 

ail persons more tfian a mile Mfift to leatie tfie 
court 

ALICE 

I 'm not a mile high. 

KING 

You are. 



8^ A L I C £ I N [Act VII 

QUEEN ~~~ 

Nearly two miles. 

ALICE 

Well, I shan't go, at any rate; besides, that's 
not a regular rule ; you invented it just now. 

KING 

It's the oldest rule in the book. 

ALICE 

Then it ought to be Number One. 

KING 

Consider your verdifl:. 

White Rabbit jumps up in a hurry, 
WHITE RABBIT 

There's more evidence to come yet, please your 
Majesty. This paper has just been picked up. 

QUEEN 

What's in it? 

WHITE RABBIT 

I haven't opened it yet, but it seems to be a 
letter, written by the prisoner to — to somebody. 

JURYMEN 

Who is it direfted to ? 
WHITE RABBIT 

It isn't direcSed at all ; in faft, there's nothing 
written on the outside, [ Unfolds paper and says ;] 
It isn't a letter after all ; it's a set of verses. 



Act VII] WONDERLAND 85 

JURYMEN 

Are they in the prisoner's handwriting ? 

WHITE RABBIT 

No, they 're not. 

Jury all look pu:2:,zled, 

KING 

He must have imitated somebody else's hand. 

Jury all brighten up again, 

KNAVE 

Please your Majesty, I didn't write it, and they 
can't prove that I did ; there's no name signed 
at the end. 

KING 

That only makes the matter worse. You must 
have meant some mischief, or else you'd have 
signed your name like an honest man. 

General clapping, 

QUEEN 

That proves his guilt. 

ALICE 

It proves nothing of the sort. Why, you don't 
even know what they're about. 

KING 

Read them. 



86 A L I C E- I N [Act VII 

WHITE RABBIT 

"They told me you had been to her, 
And mentioned me to him ; 
She gave me a good charafter, 
But said I could not swim. 

He sent them word I had not gone 
(We know it to be true) ; 
If she should push the matter on, 
What would become of you ? 

I gave her one, they gave him two, 
You gave us three or more ; 
They all returned from him to you. 
Though they were mine before. 

If I or she should chance to be 
Involved in this affair, 
He trusts to you to set them free, 
Exaftly as we were. 

My notion was that you had been 
(Before she had this fit) 
An obstacle that came between 
Him, and ourselves, and it. 

,Don't let him know she liked them best. 
For this must ever be 
A secret, kept from all the rest. 
Between yourself and me," 



Act VII] WONDERLAND 87 

KING " 

That's the most important piece of evidence 
we've heard yet; so let the jury — 

ALICE 

If any of them can explain it, I '11 give him six- 
pence. I don't believe there's an atom of mean- 
ing in it. 

Jury all write down on their slates^ but none of 
them attempt to explain, 

KING \_spreading out verses on his lap] 
If there's no meaning in it, that saves a world 
of trouble, as we needn't try to find any. And 
yet I don't know ; 

" — said I could not swim — " 
You can't swim, can you ? [turning to Knave.] 

KNAVE [sadly] 
Do I look like it ? 

KING 

All right, so far — [muttering] 

"We've known it to be true — 
I gave her one, they gave him two — " 

Why, that must be what he did with the tarts, 

you know — 

ALICE 

But it goes on, "they all returned from him to 
you." 



88 A L I C E I N [Act VII 

KING 

Why, there they are ! '[Pointing to tarts,'] Noth- 
ing can be clearer than that. Then again — 

" — before she had this fit — " 
\to Queen] you never had fits, my dear, I think ? 

QUEEN Ifuriously'] 
Never ! 

KING 

Then the words don't ^/ you. [Looks round court 
with a smile. There is a dead silence^ It 's a pun ! 
Let the jury consider their verdi6t ! 

QUEEN 

No, no ! Sentence first — verdift afterwards. 

ALICE 

Stuff and nonsense ! The idea of having the 
sentence first ! 

QUEEN 

Hold your tongue ! 

ALICE 

I won't ! 

QUEEN \shouting at top of her voice"] 
Off^ with her head ! 

Nobody moves, ^ 



Act VII] WONDERLAND 89 

ALICE 

Who cares for you ? You're nothing but a pack 
of cards. 

A shower of playing cards falls from above. 



Curtain falls 



Printed by D. B. Updike 

The Merrymount Press 

Boston 
1898 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




014 388 416 8 • 






